The other day someone in a group I belong to shared a challenge to come up with a horror movie premise, you were supposed to say what kind it would be and who was starring in it. It piqued my interest, so this happened: A gang of mutated raccoons terrorizing a small mountain town – starts off slow, maybe an old guy who lives back in the hills getting killed, sheriff never solved the murder, the similar killing of a couple of hikers a few years later in the same area makes him initially think they may have a serial killer on their hands. I’d love William Dafoe as the sheriff, maybe Geena Davis as the owner of the local diner who’s resented the sheriff for years because he never solved her father’s murder. And the kind of shy zoologist from the university who knows all about raccoons and confirms that there’s something ‘different’ about these…um, Christoph Waltz, and he can also be promoted to love interest in the second half of the movie.
And then that idea decided it wanted to be more than just words in a post, so then this happened:
And now I want to write this really, really badly.
I shrank this image down to be printable on a regular sheet of 8.5 x 11 paper, btw – the original is regular movie-poster size and such an obscenely huge file that Photoshop refused to save a web-version of it. Most of the names in the credits were taken from the credits of Lake Placid, except for my fantasy-casting lead actors, myself (obviously), Chris Burgoyne, and Peter Gundry.
I was searching for something online earlier – site security related, of course, because that’s all I ever do anymore – when my search somehow pulled up a page that was not only completely unrelated, it was also completely unrelated to anything else anywhere I’d ever seen: I had stumbled onto a social-media outpost inhabited by the tinfoil-hat wearing conspiracy-theory brigade. Not going to link to it because I don’t want anyone else falling down the rabbit hole (or any of the rabbits coming to visit me here), but take my word for it, the subject matter was…strange. Which coming from me? Is really saying something.
They were discussing a topic I’d never heard of before and which is not referenced in Wikipedia. Or on Snopes. Googling it just takes you further down into the rabbit hole, showing more sites and posts and pages where they’re all basically quoting the same sources and referring back to each other. Visiting any of those pages opens up the rest of the warren, more topics branching down into the paranoid darkness, more arguments coiled in endless spirals of repetitive madness, more metal-hatted rabbits chittering to each other in their own coded language. Here and there something recognizable will emerge – unemployment, current events, the election – but will almost immediately be twisted around to reveal terrible unseen meanings you know aren’t really there but which are being accepted as obvious, even tiresome. And that’s when you start wondering, is this real?
It got frightening after three or four link hops, at least two of which I probably shouldn’t have taken, so I backed out of everything, abandoned my quest to find out why some bot in St. Petersburg was generating an error by crawling my site, and fled the computer to make dinner. But the chitters from the looking-glass world of the rabbits still lingered, whispering doubts about perception and the true nature of reality. Is the lack of evidence really a kind of evidence all in itself? Or is the madness of rabbits simply contagious?
Or are we all rabbits, and some are just more mad than others?
I’m looking at my editorial calendar, and it’s telling me I should have written a blog post yesterday. That did not happen. Instead I spent most of the day fixing tech issues on the blog, updating things, de-updating things, and semi-productively surfing YouTube – The Happy Page doesn’t update itself, you know. I went on Pinterest and there wasn’t much new to see, so I went out to the plant cage and moved the habanero and the tomatoes out to the deck because it isn’t supposed to freeze again and they’re both huge. And then I made spinach turnovers for dinner and watched an episode of Insane Pools with my wife.
Which meant I had to write a blog post today, and I woke up drawing a blank. Checking all of the other blogs I follow netted me two things to comment on, another review of the new Dark and Gritty Superhero Movie, and an idea for a prop which I actually went upstairs to the studio and created a mockup of just to make sure it would work (it did). But I still didn’t have a topic for a blog post. G+ was full of Atlas Obscura posts, some of which I +1’d for being interesting reads but none of which could be appropriated for the blog. I checked my mail, scanned the kudos notification from AO3 – Extended Family is still popular, someone read and liked Finders Keepers – and then went to look for a job. Found a writing gig that didn’t pay, but that did make me remember I had stories in my portfolio which needed to go up on the site so I could link to them when applying for gigs that might pay. Spent a while creating book covers in Photoshop, then uploaded the stories. Checked my email again. People on one of the forums I belong to are continuing their days-long argument about posting etiquette and today it took a rather nasty turn, so I’m waiting for the moderator to scold them like naughty children. But it hasn’t happened yet. Went to Pinterest, still nothing interesting; looked up plantains because I have two in the kitchen and found a couple of recipes, also learned that I can totally put a green plantain in the spiralizer, yay! So we’re having marinated chicken and plantain fried rice for dinner, during which we will watch Lucas build another awesome custom pool because that and the treehouse show are fun to watch and don’t make me fear for the future of humanity the way half of everything on HGTV currently does.
So now I have to go cook, and possibly make some jerk seasoning just because I can. Let me think, is there anything else? Maybe…
- There is a new Thug Kitchen cookbook out. NSFW, also NSFYourMom unless your mom is me – I bought our daughter the first one for her birthday last year, it’s an awesome cookbook;
- There are two new stories up on the Stories page, natch;
- I changed my Camp NaNo project, going to do some very necessary revisions instead of writing something new. I’ll work on the Barracuda Flats continuation next Camp;
- Oh, and In the Land of Ever After will start posting here on the blog on Friday morning, April 1st, 8am sharp! A cover link will also appear for it on the Stories page. And just so you know, all of those blank lines you’ll be seeing in the Table of Contents below the first chapter are indicating already-scheduled chapter posts. Which means that if you enjoy my takes on fairy tales, you aren’t going to be running out of fresh weekly reading material for a good long while. 😉