Yet again, the year comes full circle and the holy day draws near. Annual Barbarian Melee Day is almost upon us! All Hail Saint Conan!
This year, if the dozens and dozens of ads I’ve been getting in my email every day are any indication, Black Friday is oozing into being a multi-week event. “The sales start early, be an early bird! Get those deals! Yes, we’re still going to be open too early on Black Friday, possibly even on Thanksgiving Day because fuck our employees and the holiday, but we’re starting super early because overstocking is a thing and we realized that people who aren’t barbarian melee fighters or cheerless, joyless, empty excuses for human beings want deals too. Come, buy all the things!” Oh, and then there are the ones who’ve figured out that anti-Black Friday sentiment is something they can milk. “We’re not open on Thanksgiving, maybe we won’t even work on Black Friday, we want our employees to enjoy time with their families. Look at our sweet, family-oriented ads, there’s even a dog! See our branding and remember, we’re the nice store/company/corporation! We care! Want to buy some stuff from us? You should, because we’re the good guys! Oh and look, we just happen to be having a sale, too…”
If you are a good barbarian melee warrior, you should recognize that these are deceits born of the gilded tongue of Mammon, the great and terrible God of Things. It is Mammon who seeks to pervert your day of holy battle, to dilute it, to make it extend beyond its place in the calendar in ways which are neither honorable nor decent. Pray to Saint Conan for the strength to resist these temptations, to keep his day sacred to yourself and your family, and to keep the burden of battle from coming early to those who must service the horde each year for their survival. Recite his litany as you delete the unholy announcements of early sales and the exhortations to acquire spoils in the name of Black Friday before the appointed day arrives.
“Oh Saint Conan, Patron of Black Friday Shoppers, grant us your blessing on this, your feast day. Cover us with audacity, remove our fear of consequences. Your hand be upon us as we dash the hopes and spill the blood of our adversaries, that we might emerge victorious and bear home our spoils in triumph. And curse those who would best us on the field of consumer battle; may their credit card interest be a burden to them for all the days of their lives. By the shadow of your sword which falls upon us, amen.”
But perhaps you, dedicated barbarian melee warrior, now wish to know the names of those who shamelessly serve Mammon so that your wrath – by virtue of your absence from their premises, and your disdain in the days which follow – may fall upon them. So here, as has become our custom, is provided the list of the Shameless Servants of Mammon, those who pervert the name of the feast day of Saint Conan, the Annual Barbarian Melee Day known to non-warriors as Black Friday, and who without remorse extend the suffering of those who must service the horde. Here is the list of stores which will be open on Thanksgiving Day this year.